When Jan was in school, being a starving would-be artist, he couldn't afford to stay in residence, so him and three friends took a lease on a nearby storage unit and pirated power from a light socket.

Jan has many things to not be proud of, but driving under the influence is near the top of his personal best of the worst. Simply enough, Jan had his car parked on a street and needed to move it to private parking while under the influence. He figured it would be simple enough, but nothing is ever simple in Jan's life. No one was hurt, but Jan would like to take the time to remind people that there is no such thing as being a "little too drunk to drive".

Why do killers take trophies? Keeping a souvenir, be it a jewelry or a lock of hair or a finger, helps them relive the fantasy of the crime. Police often look for these items at suspects homes; often something the victim was wearing at the time of the crime.

Why does Jan keep trophies? Jan keeps trophies, you ask? See this wall? Turns out Jan has kept a momento from every girl he's ever dated / met / lured into his home. I find the retainer and shaving kit the most troubling.

Okay sure, it's no sex tape, and I'm not ruling out the discovery of some long lost super awesome sex tape, but it's the best discovery I've come across since, well, the sex tape soundtrack he keeps in his washroom. Enjoy the horror that is, small town drunken rocker Jan. I never would have pegged him as a Sodom fan, but there you have it.

Any trip though Jan's apartment can be a fanciful event full of eye-opening surprises. Earlier this week, yours truly had a chance to be in his apartment when an unnamed third-party made a magical discovery. Jan had a copy of something called "Vintage Sex Songs", in his bathroom of all places. He also keeps a chair in his bathroom, for purposes unknown. Below is the first actual glimpse of Jan's living quarters caught on film.

It's no secret that Jan hasn't had the most luck with his hair. It hasn't always been his best friend or representative. According to Jan's stylist, his hair suffers from mad curliness with the application of moisture, and now that his hair is becoming shorter, the effect is more pronounced. Jan modified his Hitler-chic and ended up with a Michael Richards / Lyle Lovett / Depeche Mode kind of thing. He explained that he was going for a playful, boyish 50's paperboy feel, but the effect looks more like someone who converted from Rastafari to regular Christian and stayed up trying to unravel their dreads with a pick all night. I and I are confused by the look, but wish him well.

And now, finally, a happy post for poor Janzo. Long time friend and roommate (name withheld) is coming back. (name withheld) has been travelling the globe expanding his mind and engaging the locals with his weird trip wherever he goes? So what does this mean for Jan? Well (name withheld) actually acts as a stablizer and calming influence in Jan's life, so let's see how this shapes these entries in the months to come.

In other news, the third Janzo poll has closed: Jan has Hepatitus and we're all very excited. There's still no immediate plan to replace his phone, so his new strategy has been to simply not use the phone. This makes things difficult, now that he's dating again! Lots to report.

I have a private plea from Jan. Last night he was again forced to use a public payphone in light of the loss of his cell phone, and a prostitute - possibly a transexual based on the description - ran up and assaulted him with a kind of running dry-hump. He's fine, but he's shaken and his dignity took a hit, and he needs your help. If every one of you clicked on one of his sponsor ads, we might be able to get poor Jan his life back in order.

Through a combination of not paying his phone bill and leaving the actual phone in a bar somewhere, Jan is forced to use a payphone in a bad neighbourhood in dim lighting to stay in touch with the outside world. Another excellent segway into another excellent Janzo poll: by the time Jan gets his cellphone back, what accidental infections will he be hosting?

Jan is a sad bastard. A bachelor, cursed to walk the earth alone. Alive but undead, trapped in a personal rut. Unloved. Alone. Question: what would be more lonely than going for a walk or a bike ride around town by yourself? Answer: doing it in your apartment. The best way to think of static rollers is like a virtual riding simulator that gets you to the end of your street and then throws you into a wall or over your handlebars. Only gravity's masters can ride on this thing, so the machine is actually designed to add injury to the insult. I'm waiting till he either loses interest in it or is put into traction before offering to help patch his drywall.

This is the outfit Jan accidentally wore when his building accused him of being a neo-nazi and then rolled him in the parking lot for setting off the fire alarm. This is also an image of pre-deskjob Jan. He's become a little body-image sensitive, and now I can see why. Is that a side pipe or a tube worm?

If your public school had a music program, you know instruments are first come first serve. I missed my first day and got stuck with the trombone. Jan missed his first day, but he didn't grow up in the city. Jan got saddled with the bagpipes. WTF OMG LOL ROFL right? You would think so, but evidently nay.

The sound can travel for blocks and apprently results in instinct eviction, so I've never seen him play, but apparently the sight of squeezing your bag and blowing a pipe works with the ladies and has never let him down. Live and learn.

Ammendum: in researching this post, I actually found a Bagpipe Simulator, apparently able to recreate the experience virtually, available in everything from Flemish Pipe to Swedish Saeckpipa. Enjoy. Or don't. Either way.